2 for 1 concession night at the Springfield Sliders

(Springfield) - I finally went to a Sliders game. It brought back a lot of Capital's memories if only because nothing had changed. Same rally music, same scoreboard graphics, same drinking too much on a weeknight. The team is quite good and pulled off a major-league double play but who cares about the game, here's what really counts.

We saw Lisa Weitzel, at least I think we did. Marty thinks that the woman was much too old but I maintain that Lisa had 5 kids and looked 40 in 1985.

Faux Dave made an appearance although I have to take away his title. He no longer looks like Dave so he's just Faux now.

Finally, in a moment (actually two) that made us all (meaning everyone in attendance) want to gouge out their eyes and caused a massively multiple person gag reflex, Skanky Grandma made an appearance. Now let's set the bar. There were plenty of normal people at the game but there were more than a few rough-looking folks (think fair grounds rough.) So you know that if you were at the fair, it would take a special kind of skanky to catch your eye. Enter Skanky Grandma.

She was, at least, old enough to receive a social security check - John McCain old. She had long blonde hair piled up in a rat's nest that was either alluring to Korean War vets or just how her hair looked when she got up yesterday morning. She was very tan and not that spray on stuff or tanning bed crust. This looked like good old-fashioned baby oil backyard bikini tan. Her skin was, as a plastic surgeon would note, crepey (not creepy, but crepey like crepe paper.)

Now I can't be certain, but I think she was wearing a sports bra. I'm not sure because, like staring at a solar eclipse, I felt that looking at her too long in one dose might lead to retinal damage. It was either a bright lime green or a 80's era pastel. As for the actual sight, picture your own grandmother in a sports bra.

Realize that wearing a sports means that her midriff was bare. If you've ever watch Jerry Springer and saw a broken down old lady get her Jerry beads, you have an idea of how this looked. Like a deflated balloon or a garden tomato that fell of the vine and sat there until October when you finally noticed it while clearing out the plants. Equal parts wrinkle, pouches, puckers, and tan, like she had a skin graft and they used some old dead guy's sack.

This alone makes me never want to see or smell cheese again, but none of this will haunt me. The haunting detail is that there, on a part of an old lady's body that should only be seen only by a doctor and then only if necessary, was a belly button piercing with a jeweled pin. At first, I thought maybe in was an ear ring that might have fallen from her ear and got caught in all those folds, but it didn't fall off - it was attached!

Let's agree that we should never talk about this.